Scrubs

I love wearing scrubs. Strangely, they make me so happy.

I think they remind me of my pjs.

Last week was hard. I went from extreme happy to confused and discouraged in a matter of days.

Short version: Shoulder/chest pain Tuesday and Wednesday, Cat scan after work Thursday, learning on Friday during my lunch break that a once stable nodule (thought to be inflammation) grew. Inflammation doesn't grow.

I was so discouraged. I cried for most of my lunch break, called my parents then went back to my orientation class hungry and discouraged. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. I can usually get myself out of that place but I let my mind stay there for the rest of the day. I kept thinking "Who am I kidding, I had/have (not sure now) metastatic disease". I kept wondering why I went back to work, why I was wasting people's time. I quickly decided I no longer wanted to move out of my parents house. I wanted to run out of that building, break my lease, go home and crawl into my bed in sweats with cookies. I was really bad. Fortunately, with a few talks from people who know me best, I came back to myself.

I'm not wasting anyone's time. I feel great, so why not work. I'm still going to move. If the nodule turns out to be disease most of my treatment options don't require me to miss a lot of work. My doctor even stated that he is not sure exactly what it is because it grew such a small amount, and that it could have even been a variation in the ct machine. We are going to wait and see. I will be rescanned in 6 weeks.

I feel a lot better that I had the weekend to rest, I took Saturday as a mental vacay day and did only things I wanted to do the whole day. I was a little bothered with myself for getting so down, but I'm only human. I can't be upbeat and positive all the time, I try, but I guess sometimes you just have to feel what you feel.

I'm late-Happy New Year.

Happy New Year! I'm not really into resolutions this year. I just plan to continue the goals I have now

• eat more fruits/veggies, less meat



• exercise 3-4 times a week



• drink enough water each day

That's it. Nice and simple.

I just read what I wrote and my picture of the day from a year ago on Dec 31, 2008. Crazy. What a difference a year can make. I went to work today for the first time in 12 months. I'm sure at the end of the work week I won't be nearly as excited, but right now the thought makes my heart skip. I went to work today...Right now, in this moment, it really can't get any better than that.

Dec 31-I leased an apartment! I was not planning on signing anything that day but I just got this great feeling in my tummy. I knew it was the right apartment for me. I will be moving in a month.

Dec 30- I have had the same exact checking account since I was 16. I loved my account number, it just flowed. So I was of course very sad when I had to get a new account number. It's all my fault, I did something VERY silly 2 years ago....learned my lesson.

Dec 29- Finally emptied my hospital bag. I kept slippers, a toothbrush, books, hand wipes, etc. in the bag. It took me a while, but that's ok. I guess I needed to make sure I wouldn't need it anymore.

Dec 28- Fat back is so delicious. I have absolutely NO business eating it but when I am at this restaurant by my Grandma's house, I can never seem to stop myself.

Dec 27- This is the lightest I have ever packed for a trip. I went to see Grandma in Georgia. My trip had to be cut short because of pre-employment things at work. I was only there for 36 hours.

Feeling like myself again...

Is it just me, or is anyone else happy that the holidays are almost over. I am not a scrouge or a grinch but I just seem to get so much more enjoyment out of the more typical, mundane times of year. There just seems to be so much pressure for the perfect holiday. I guess I don't like having all of my time, money and energy sucked out of me for 2 or 3 days. I like to spread it out over the whole year.

I have been feeling well and continuing to get my eneregy back. I am happy to announce that I have secured a job and will hopefully be returning to work on January the 4th. It is a cancer treatment center. Gasp! The type of place I swore I would never work. Lesson learned, never say never. My heart was softened last month and I had a strong feeling that this was where I needed to be. I hope that I am able to be a light and a source of encouragement to my patients. Not by telling them what I went through or that I even had cancer. But just by being empathetic, sympathetic, and dropping some hints on how to get through the process a little easier if I can. I am a FIRM believer that when I am a nurse, I am a nurse and when I am a patient I am a patient. I try as hard as I can to not let the two mix. I wouldn't want my nurse breaking down when I get bad news. I can get the warm fuzzies from else where. I need my medical team to be strong, alert and focused. I feel that my patients deserve the same. Not to say I would never share my story but I think it would be far and few in between.

The best part about this new job is hopefully I will be able to move out of my parents house soon. I love them, but I'm almost 27, and it's time to go.

I am so happy Project 365 will be done is a few days. I'm thinking this year I will do a few pictures a month. It's not as hard to do as it was a few months ago but I definitely need a break from the daily pictures. I am however, so thankful that I discovered this. I have one of the hardest/best years of my life documented. This project forced me to think about the "everyday". I have memories and stories captured that I will be able to look back on for years to come.

Dec 26- My Christmas presents. I love them all but I am especially excited about my Best Buy giftcard (for a computer) and a new lomography camera (supersampler) from sister.

Dec 25- Ohhh Christmas Tree.

Dec 24- Allison had a New Year's Eve fish fry. Her guests had a great time and made the reindeer do bad things.

Dec 23- Will and I at Pappa's.

Dec 22- Santa Paws is ready for Christmas.

Dec 21- Kim gets the award for coming to visit me the most!

Dec 20- Dog sitting Darla. I had to get a picture of them being nice to each other, this was a rare occurence with the not niceness coming from my child.

Dec 19- I really enjoyed going to Kentucky to be Randi's maid of honor and finally getting to meet her wonderful family. We met almost 7 years ago through a program called chemo angels. We have come from pen pals to dear friends. I'm so fortunate to have her in my life.

Dec 18- Another pic from the tea. The food was amazing.

Dec 17- In Kentucky with Randi at my first high tea. The hats were provided by the tea place.

Dec 16- On the way to the airport. I'm not sure how this happened but this light was swinging from the post into the street. Had to take a pic.

Dec 15- Sister is home for the holidays.

Dec 14- I am a little preoccupied with my hair, eyelashes, and eyebrows. Can you blame me? I missed them.

Dec 13- Anything and everything chocolate. I am not a big chocolate fan but I do like small amounts every now and then.

Dec 12-House of Pies has a place in my heart forever.

Dec 11- Celebrating Laura's graduation from college.

Dec 10- Will took me to the Rothco (spelling?) chapel in Houston. It was very pretty and peaceful but the mesquitos joined us.

Dec 9- I made scallops, green beans and potatoes for dinner. The scallops are on top mixed greens with avocado.

Dec 8- My supplies for my CVC line (IV line used for chemo). I had the line removed a few months ago but I can't seem to be able to throw my supplies away. I guess I will tuck them away until I'm ready to part with them.

Jingle all the way...

Dec 7- Tonight I made chicken Parmesan (for Dad), eggplant Parmesan (for me) and whole wheat pasta with a veggie sauce. Mom is out of town so I'm in charge of food.

Dec 6- Mas hair.

Nov 5- I was supposed to be house sitting for Allison, but because of the snow her flight was canceled. She asked me to stay, we invited a few people over and hung out all weekend. Good times.

Nov 4- It snowed it Houston!

Nov 3- Toby eating a piece of reindeer corn (red, white, green candy corn) like he hasn't eaten in days.

Nov 2- My dad won Yard of the Month for the neighborhood.

Dec 1- I had my chest cracked open in July, no crying. 3 tries to start and IV and having to drink barium for my Cat scan, brought me to tears. Strange.

Nov 30- Simple Christmas cards this year. Simple and to the point. I will save the more extravagant ones (picture, year in review) for when I have a family.

Nov 29- My new obsession-Veggie Delight on wheat from Subway.

Nov 28-I am in charge of making care packages for the college students at church. I hope they like them.

Nov 27-Black Friday madness. I so enjoyed myself, made up for not being able to go last year.

Nov 26-Happy Thanksgiving! YUM! Fried turkey is delicious. It took us 3 hours to cook it when it should have only taken 30 minutes, but that's ok and we know better for the next time.

Nov 25- Very thankful that I feel go enough to workout.

Nov. 24- Thank you Frank for introducing me to the House of Pie.

Nov 23- My first professional football game with April. Texans lost, but still a good game.

Nov 22- So happy I finally have things to write down in my planner.

Nov 21- (With the doctor's permission) I removed my own stitches from my arms. I am awesome.

Nov 20- I love pomegranates. I normally eat as many as I can in the fall but this year I haven't felt like it. Maybe too messy.

Nov 19- Keymo

Nov 18- Visiting with Mrs. Green my first grade teacher. I am so thankful that I still keep in contact with many of my teachers from grade school.

So thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Of course I am thankful for the obvious...health, family, etc., but here are the little things that have made the past few weeks so great....

So thankful for

-Being able to enjoy food again: tastes, textures and smells

-My eyebrows and eyelashes returning

-My new found love of lomography

-Chihuahuas

-New friends

-Discovering Houston

-Reindeer corn

-Car insurance

-Being a girl

Just a few things that have rocked my socks off these past few weeks. I'm so thankful for my little treasures. I always want to be able to enjoy my small blessings.

Have a wonderful Turkey Day!

Catching up

Nov 1- So happy I finally have things to write in my planner.

Nov 17- LOVE orzo so I made it again and added chicken and green beans.


Nov 16- Learning to make different recipes. Orzo with tomatoes, spinach and parmesean.

Nov 15- Guess who's next! I caught the bouqet.

Nov 14- Wedding Day! Congratulations Michelle and Brandon. I remember when they started dating in high school. It's so great to see them still together.

Nov 13- Rehearsal dinner at Macaroni Grill.

Nov 12- Bridal party Mani/Pedis.

Nov 11- My portfolio for job interviews.

Nov 10- The first biopsy came back as normal skin, the biopsy wasn't deep enough. So I had to get 2 more biopsies taken. (Everything came back benign)

Nov 9- Hair!

Nov 8- The sweet neighbor boy made us candy apples.

Nov 7- I really like this dress so I took a picture in it.

Nov 6- Allison and I from the night before.

Nov 5- Happy 27th Birthday Ally Cat.

Nov 4- In the middle of making a wall hanging for Allison's birthday. It includes a picture of he mother in Italy.

Nov 3-Making a scrapbook for Camille with our pictures from my trip to Madison.

Nov 2- Yummy cheeseburgers with Frank.

What a differnce a year makes...

Exactly one year I was working full time, had a boyfriend, was enjoying life as a 25 year old. Exactly one year ago today I thought I was healthy. I went to my regular 3 month check up thinking that it would be the same as all the others the year and a half before, clear. Instead of hearing this I heard things like relapse, mass against my heart, the size of a small baseball, and not able to do surgery. It was horrifying. Even though I was first diagnosed 5 years before this it was really the first time that the solution wasn't black and white. I had never been told surgery wasn't an option. The thought of death had entered my mind before but this was the first time that I let it stay for a while.


Fast forward a year. I have had 9 rounds of IV chemo, one round of oral chemo, lines put in and removed, and an 8 hour surgery. I discovered I had a heart defect and had it fixed. I have not worked full time in a year and am now starting to apply for jobs hoping to go back to work by the beginning of the year. I am feeling stronger and healthier each day. I have had my heart broken, ended relationships and started new ones. I have matured and become more emotionally stable. I am in a better place and I'm happy.


This year was an absolute nightmare at times, many times to be honest, but I have also had some of the best times of my life this year.

It seems just like yesterday I was sitting in the office hearing the news. I really can't believe time has gone by this fast. I am so thankful I am on the other side. I am so happy I made it through.

I am so thankful to everyone for all their love and support. This was a team effort, I could not have done it without you.

My post from a year ago.